These Crazy Pills

These pills are making me crazy. Two days ago I had the biggest hot flash of my life. I already feel sorry for myself since it was a premonition of what my future holds when I am old and menopausal. Not only do I have hot flashes but the pills also have a side effect of mood swings. What a bonus. As understanding as my husband is about the whole process it is still difficult not to get into spats over nothing which can escalate into fights over nothing.

Feeling sorry for myself today. Why can't a woman who wants a child so desperately have such a hard time to conceive when ignorant women who have no interest have no trouble at all. My mom was right... life just isn't fair.

Horrah!

Husband got a promotion and a raise! So proud of him. I kept telling him that his honesty and hard work would eventually be recognized and that it would pay off!

So proud of my baby!

Clomid Round #2

Went to the OB yesterday for my Clomid check and "everything looks good" so I started my second round of Clomid last night. I am hopeful this is the time that it works. I mean really, why do people do can not care for babies, who do not want babies, and people who definitely should not have babies just have an oppsie pregnancy but my journey is so technical, all about timing, peeing in cups, and scientific? We are definitely not having a love child.

Now that we had one unsuccessful round of Clomid I was also given an order to get a pelvic ultrasound. Oh yay for me. I made the appt on a Monday so Troy could go with me. Last time I had one of these done it was when I was experiencing my first M/C and my mom had gone with me. I want to make him part of every step of this process if possible. And the doctor also gave me the direction to contact my PCP and have Troy get checked out too - just to be on the safe side. He isn't jumping for joy about the experience but I am sure glad I am not going to be the only one being poked at by strange doctors.

My doctor told me that he wanted to keep me at 50mg of Clomid for this cycle because Clomid, as a side effect, can cause the uterus to become hostile and harm the chances of conceiving. Seriously?! So I am taking this thing to ovulate but might prevent conception? Oh boy. So I heard about a lubricant called Pre-Seed which is supposed to be fertility friendly for women trying to conceive. Has anyone used it before? Is it worth the hype or just a selling gimmick? Thank you Amazon! I will be ordering you today and trying you out myself!

Sex In The City

Do friends like the characters in Sex In The City really exist? Through thick and thin, can talk about anything, there no matter what? The conversations that they have are incredibly personal and they cheer through the good times and cry with each other in the bad times.

Doing life together...

What got me thinking about this was the movie The Help. Troy and I saw it last night and it was such a good movie. It was touching, humbling, and in parts hilarious! It is incredible to think that those times actually existed and that those people were really treated like property. My train of thinking started with the most hilarious scene in The Help, which I will not ruin, but has to do with poop. And then from poop I was thinking about the Sex in the City movie when Charlotte shit herself in Mexico. Super weird train of thought but that is how I got to close relationships.

I am really only close with my husband, my oldest little sister and maybe my God-sister. I do not have a group of friends that gather just to do lunch and catch up and do life together. So much of the time I really feel alone in my battles and celebrations with the exception of my husband.

I am envious of groups of girls that do everything together. I used to have a core group of friends in high school but after graduation I just let those relationships slip away. We went to different colleges, I got a full time job, and I didn’t put forth the effort necessary to keep strong relationships. Some of this has to do with the fact that I immediately moved in with my boyfriend, who is now my husband, and my time was split between work, school and my BF. Any extra time, and lets face it - there wasn’t much, was devoted to the few friends I still had.



Yard Sale on Saturday



The summer of 2005 changed my life. My God-sister was pregnant with Vincent and I spent all of my time with her. Troy and I were on the outs and I spent every day and night with her. I was her Lamaze partner, her confidant, and her right hand to help her take care of her 2 step children and her loser boyfriend. I had independence, time, and motivation to be a good friend. I spent a good amount of time with her friends, much of them who I did not like, except for one. We kind of became a family unit. I think that was the closest thing I got to Sex In The City status, except there were boys in my group. Her friendship means the world to me and then she honored me as becoming her son Vincent’s God-mother. I planned her baby shower, went baby supply shopping, helped set up the nursery, and was there to hold her hand every step of the way. I was there when Vincent was born and I have been there through his entire life as he has grown up. He will be 6 on Sept. 14th. I can’t believe how big he is.



On our way to get breakfast!

Amy was the person I called when my SIL announced on Mother’s Day that she was pregnant with her 3rd. I held the phone and cried. She listened and encouraged me. I wept and she just listened. Don’t get me wrong, I was so happy for my SIL and for our family to grow but so deeply sad as I had already had 1 m/c and was still so disappointed with this. The pain was still very fresh. Unfortunately she lost the baby. The point is, Amy was just there. I didn’t have to act strong. I was just myself. Disappointed and discouraged. She will never know how much that means to me.

Do you have friendships that are deeply rooted? Can you call them at any time of the day or night just to talk or to hear that everything is going to be alright? Do you have someone to celebrate with, reflect with, and bitch about your husband to? Are you truly yourself around these people with no façade to emit what you think people expect of you? Authentically yourself? I may not have a whole group of ladies but I do have my sister and Amy. Thank you God for these girls in my life.

Scrapbooking Day

April 2006

Today I only got a few pages done but the experience was totally fun! The PHC Ladies set up a Scrap-a-thon day at the store Once Upon A Memory in Huntington Beach. It was so fun! You just bring your photos and whatever supplies and tools you have and you get to use their scrap room. Don't have the right paper... no problem! Walk out into the store and grab it and add it to your tab. Darn... ran out of glue runner... no problem! Run out into the store and add it to your tab!

The way I keep myself organized is through a filing system. I have a file folder for each month of the year and that is where I dump all of my memorabilia (ticket stubs, room keys, airline tickets, etc.) but I don't print the photos I want to scrap with them until I am to that part of the year.

So today I ran out of photos that I had already printed but I did get 8 pages done, although it took me 7 hours. I did a lot of meandering through the store for ideas, inspiration, and to take note for the future pages I would be doing. We grabbed Jack-In-The-Box for lunch and chatted while scrapping. It was bliss. It just reminds me that I need to get the rest of my scrap crap room set up and invite my bestie over to get down and do some pages.

At a certain point you just want to get the dang things in an album so you can catch up and move on. So many people are doing only digital books these days with the ease of Shutterfly and Kodak Gallery but to me you just lose something without the ability to attach ticket stubs and fun other collectables along the way. One blogger I stalk creates a digital book for each of her kids each year of their lives. Super cute idea, except I am hoping to do that for my kids with actual scrapbooks.

I re-created by God-son's book, spruced up some of the old pages, replaced the actual book and started to work on his book again. He is going to turn 6 in September and he is only about 6 months in his book. I gotta get those pics printed!!

Welcome To The Party AF

It's finally here. On the positive side it was a 30 day cycle. Probably the most regular cycle I have had in years and I ovulated on time this month. My body responded well to the meds! On the not so positive side... another BFN.

Calling to the doctor this morning to schedule my next Clomid check and on to another cycle. Five left before we have to consider other options.

It is all in God's hands. I am reminded daily to pray for guidance, acceptance, understanding and to keep disappointment and vengeance out of my heart. Timing is everything, right?

Thanks again PCOS!

Last night my little family, my hubby and fur child and I, went for a nice walk around the bluffs.

It was nice to get the blood flowing and get some fresh air. Troy and I have been obsessed with Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. We have at least 15 episodes recorded on our DVR at all times and the moment we sit down to relax until we are ready to get to bed we have been glued to SVU. So last night we peeled ourselves off the couch and went for a walk.

Also in my defense, I will be starting the Fall Semester in less than 3 weeks so I am getting as much lazy time in as I can. This semester I am taking a pretty full load. I just can’t wait to get my AA degree and Paralegal Certificate to start a new chapter in my life - whether that be just a new career or a new career and transfer to a university to begin working on a BA degree. So many decisions and I am hoping that by the time I get to make the decision I will have one more factor to consider… pitter patter of 2 new feet in our family. I can only hope.

 

Since one of my co-workers has been pursuing her new passion for photography I have been frequenting blogs and etsy.com to get inspiration for some family photos that she is going to take for us and my BIL's family. Of couse that quickly turned into maternity photo shoot props and inspiration and I probably looked at other pregnant ladies pictures for more than an hour last night.

 

So here are some of my favorite props and belly photos:

 

 

http://www.etsy.com/listing/79393567/fun-and-unique-belly-bump-pregnancy?ref=v1_other_1

http://www.etsy.com/listing/77764150/belly-bow-maternity-photo-prop

One day I will have my own maternity shoot... No thanks to AF by the way. Still hasn't arrived (supposed to arrive today) and the pregnancy test I took last night still said negative. Thanks body for getting my hopes up and still not working the way you should.