+OPK

We got a positive OPK this morning! Praying so hard that this is the month that we get pregnant and stay pregnant.  These two verses have been getting me through:

Isaiah 55
8“ My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

Proverbs 1
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

I am trying my hardest to have faith and ride the emotional disappointment rollercoaster with the knowledge that there is a bigger plan that I can not see and may not understand and lean on God to get me through these confusing times.

Ta-ta Facebook!

It's official. My hatred of facebook has grown exponentially over the last few weeks and today I deactivated my account. Looking back I created my facebook account to connect with my cousins in Kansas who were ripped from our home 6 years ago. Ironically it was one of my Kansas cousins who put me over the edge and helped me make my final decision to close the facebook chapter of my life.

My cousin, who just turned 18 a few days ago, just announced on facebook that she is pregnant with her 2nd child. Oh yes, #2 and she just turned 18. She had her daughter at 16 while still in high school and then quickly dropped out of school. I am so sad to see her life turn out like this and repeat so many of her father's mistakes. Every child is a blessing from God. I hope she takes those sweet lives and helps make them into beautiful, wonderful people in this crazy world.

With wanting a child of our own so badly and seeing so many pregnancy announcements, sonogram photos and "my baby is the size of a small fruit" posts put me over the edge.

Good bye facebook. I will not miss you.

Sonogram Results

So I had my pelvic sonogram yesterday and my DH came with me to the appointment. The tech was friendly and even told us what we were looking at. Uterus, ovaries, a big blob of black and grey on a screen.

Oh yes... this is what they did to me... oh the joys of modern technology!

This morning I got my lab results and the Dr. said that everything looks normal which is great but what my scans shows are not consistent with PCOS.... So good news my pipes are in working order however, if it is not PCOS what the heck is wrong with me? Well, if I do not get a + pregnancy test this month (praying that Clomid worked this round) then we will have to do further blood work to see why I am insulin resistant and have elevated testosterone levels.

So I feel kind of like I am back at square one. I know what I do not have but what do I have? The perk to possibly being inaccurately diagnosed with PCOS is that I was put on Metformin and for the last 2 months I have had 30 day cycles and even though the few before that were a bit irregular they were heading in the right direction.

This is going to be a good month. DH got a promotion and small raise, I got a bonus, and things are sort of starting to look up for us. This is a great month for making a baby. Baby dancing? Yes please.

These Crazy Pills

These pills are making me crazy. Two days ago I had the biggest hot flash of my life. I already feel sorry for myself since it was a premonition of what my future holds when I am old and menopausal. Not only do I have hot flashes but the pills also have a side effect of mood swings. What a bonus. As understanding as my husband is about the whole process it is still difficult not to get into spats over nothing which can escalate into fights over nothing.

Feeling sorry for myself today. Why can't a woman who wants a child so desperately have such a hard time to conceive when ignorant women who have no interest have no trouble at all. My mom was right... life just isn't fair.

Horrah!

Husband got a promotion and a raise! So proud of him. I kept telling him that his honesty and hard work would eventually be recognized and that it would pay off!

So proud of my baby!

Clomid Round #2

Went to the OB yesterday for my Clomid check and "everything looks good" so I started my second round of Clomid last night. I am hopeful this is the time that it works. I mean really, why do people do can not care for babies, who do not want babies, and people who definitely should not have babies just have an oppsie pregnancy but my journey is so technical, all about timing, peeing in cups, and scientific? We are definitely not having a love child.

Now that we had one unsuccessful round of Clomid I was also given an order to get a pelvic ultrasound. Oh yay for me. I made the appt on a Monday so Troy could go with me. Last time I had one of these done it was when I was experiencing my first M/C and my mom had gone with me. I want to make him part of every step of this process if possible. And the doctor also gave me the direction to contact my PCP and have Troy get checked out too - just to be on the safe side. He isn't jumping for joy about the experience but I am sure glad I am not going to be the only one being poked at by strange doctors.

My doctor told me that he wanted to keep me at 50mg of Clomid for this cycle because Clomid, as a side effect, can cause the uterus to become hostile and harm the chances of conceiving. Seriously?! So I am taking this thing to ovulate but might prevent conception? Oh boy. So I heard about a lubricant called Pre-Seed which is supposed to be fertility friendly for women trying to conceive. Has anyone used it before? Is it worth the hype or just a selling gimmick? Thank you Amazon! I will be ordering you today and trying you out myself!

Sex In The City

Do friends like the characters in Sex In The City really exist? Through thick and thin, can talk about anything, there no matter what? The conversations that they have are incredibly personal and they cheer through the good times and cry with each other in the bad times.

Doing life together...

What got me thinking about this was the movie The Help. Troy and I saw it last night and it was such a good movie. It was touching, humbling, and in parts hilarious! It is incredible to think that those times actually existed and that those people were really treated like property. My train of thinking started with the most hilarious scene in The Help, which I will not ruin, but has to do with poop. And then from poop I was thinking about the Sex in the City movie when Charlotte shit herself in Mexico. Super weird train of thought but that is how I got to close relationships.

I am really only close with my husband, my oldest little sister and maybe my God-sister. I do not have a group of friends that gather just to do lunch and catch up and do life together. So much of the time I really feel alone in my battles and celebrations with the exception of my husband.

I am envious of groups of girls that do everything together. I used to have a core group of friends in high school but after graduation I just let those relationships slip away. We went to different colleges, I got a full time job, and I didn’t put forth the effort necessary to keep strong relationships. Some of this has to do with the fact that I immediately moved in with my boyfriend, who is now my husband, and my time was split between work, school and my BF. Any extra time, and lets face it - there wasn’t much, was devoted to the few friends I still had.



Yard Sale on Saturday



The summer of 2005 changed my life. My God-sister was pregnant with Vincent and I spent all of my time with her. Troy and I were on the outs and I spent every day and night with her. I was her Lamaze partner, her confidant, and her right hand to help her take care of her 2 step children and her loser boyfriend. I had independence, time, and motivation to be a good friend. I spent a good amount of time with her friends, much of them who I did not like, except for one. We kind of became a family unit. I think that was the closest thing I got to Sex In The City status, except there were boys in my group. Her friendship means the world to me and then she honored me as becoming her son Vincent’s God-mother. I planned her baby shower, went baby supply shopping, helped set up the nursery, and was there to hold her hand every step of the way. I was there when Vincent was born and I have been there through his entire life as he has grown up. He will be 6 on Sept. 14th. I can’t believe how big he is.



On our way to get breakfast!

Amy was the person I called when my SIL announced on Mother’s Day that she was pregnant with her 3rd. I held the phone and cried. She listened and encouraged me. I wept and she just listened. Don’t get me wrong, I was so happy for my SIL and for our family to grow but so deeply sad as I had already had 1 m/c and was still so disappointed with this. The pain was still very fresh. Unfortunately she lost the baby. The point is, Amy was just there. I didn’t have to act strong. I was just myself. Disappointed and discouraged. She will never know how much that means to me.

Do you have friendships that are deeply rooted? Can you call them at any time of the day or night just to talk or to hear that everything is going to be alright? Do you have someone to celebrate with, reflect with, and bitch about your husband to? Are you truly yourself around these people with no façade to emit what you think people expect of you? Authentically yourself? I may not have a whole group of ladies but I do have my sister and Amy. Thank you God for these girls in my life.