Tuesday, March 29, 2011
A Neighborly Reminder
So took today off to let my body recover from Vegas and I am home alone. My front door is open and I can hear the neighbor talking to her mom on the phone and she is telling her that she doesn't have morning sickness.... she is pregnant. So not only am I still dealing with my loss I will get to see my neighbors belly grow for the next 9 months... great!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Jumping Through Puddles
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The Loss
On Friday mid-morning was the first time I noticed it. I went to the bathroom like I usually do 15 times a day and when I wiped there was a small amount of brown blood. I tried to put it out of my mind and go back to work but deep down I knew something was terribly wrong. I told my mom of what I discovered and both her and I both turned to the Internet. Cramping and little bleeding normal. Can be caused by lots of things with no harm to the baby. Denial. I couldn't stop thinking about it. My mom urged me to call the Dr. but I did not want to face what he had to say. I told her I didn't want to have my first ultrasound this way, have this emotional roller coaster without my husband. About an hour later I called the Dr.'s office. I have never met the Dr. In fact I had scheduled my first prenatal appointment for this Monday.
The Dr. called me back about 1:30 and he showed some concern and ordered blood work and an ultrasound. He told me that I was having "threatening miscarriage". Like the mother she is, my mom swooped in and took care of everything. She told my boss what was happening. I didn't have to speak a word. I passed on my work and quickly left the office, fearing the worst, hoping for the best.
First we were off to get my blood drawn. Got there early and the office didn't re-open after lunch until 2:00. We sat and waited and as more people arrived we stood by the door in hopes to be the first in and first helped. I had a 2:45 ultrasound appointment and I wanted to make it on time.
The torture of an ultrasound is that you have to drink 24 oz of water and have a full bladder. I drank water and waited. After getting my blood drawn I had to pee so badly I was not going to make it a full hour before the ultrasound. As I had feared the blood had turned bright red and there was more of it. My fear turned to dread and I started to come to terms with what lay ahead.
We got to the office to get the ultrasound. I was squeezed in so I had to wait until 3:30 before I was seen. I got into the room and put on the hospital gown. First the traditional ultrasound. As I watched the images on the screen on the wall come to life I hoped and strained to see a little bump bump bump of a heart beat. Nothing. I don't really know what I was looking at but I didn't see anything that resembled the dream that I was still clinging to. Then I had a transvaginal ultrasound. Still didn't know what I was looking, still searching for answers.
The tech left the room and said a radiologist was going to look at the pictures. She returned to let me know that Dr. Clayton was on the phone to speak to me. I got on the phone and the hum of the ultrasound room and the crappy phone that I was using made it nearly impossible to hear what he was saying. From what I gathered there didn't appear to be a pregnancy in my uterus. He was waiting for my blood tests results to come back to check my progesterone levels to see if they were in the pregnancy range. If they were high and they didn't see a baby in my uterus I had an ectopic pregnancy. If they were low, I was having a miscarriage.
I got home from everything that had happened, still bleeding, still in shock, and so very sad. Lost, confused, angry. Why was this happening? What had I done wrong? I finally believed that I was getting everything that I wanted in life, a family to call my own. Troy came home and for the first time through the entire experience I wept. I wept uncontrollably for a good 5-10 minutes and he just held me. I wasn't crying because I thought I would never become a mother. I was crying for the child that I had lost. My dreams seemed shattered. My heart broken. And the thought of having to explain to everyone what had happened to me after foolishly sharing the news with so many people so early in my pregnancy pained me even more. The anticipation of the sorrowful looks, the I'm sorrys, I'm here for you.
I think my mom was so confused by my lack of emotion through the whole process. I just wanted facts. Details. Options. The next step. The emotions didn't set in until much later. I even talked with Troy when he got home as if it were about another person, another sad person we knew as if it weren't us experiencing the pain.
On Saturday afternoon while sitting at home alone watching a mediocre movie I missed a call from the Dr. He left a voicemail informing me that my blood test results were in and that my progesterone levels were very low at 176. I was having a miscarriage which was as "positive result". Putting "positive" in my emotional disaster just didn't seem to fit. He was happy to know that I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy stuck somewhere in my fallopian tube or ovary. No risk of death. The positive I suppose. It was official, it was over.
Nothing can prepare you for the emotional and physical pain I have been through. Although I have come to terms with the fact that we have lost our child and that God has a bigger plan than I know or understand, my body didn't work as quickly as my mind. For the last two days I have been bleeding. This morning I think that most of it had passed and every trip to the bathroom is just the reminder of what was lost. When will it stop? When will I heal?
And the icing on the cake.... happy birthday to me.
The Dr. called me back about 1:30 and he showed some concern and ordered blood work and an ultrasound. He told me that I was having "threatening miscarriage". Like the mother she is, my mom swooped in and took care of everything. She told my boss what was happening. I didn't have to speak a word. I passed on my work and quickly left the office, fearing the worst, hoping for the best.
First we were off to get my blood drawn. Got there early and the office didn't re-open after lunch until 2:00. We sat and waited and as more people arrived we stood by the door in hopes to be the first in and first helped. I had a 2:45 ultrasound appointment and I wanted to make it on time.
The torture of an ultrasound is that you have to drink 24 oz of water and have a full bladder. I drank water and waited. After getting my blood drawn I had to pee so badly I was not going to make it a full hour before the ultrasound. As I had feared the blood had turned bright red and there was more of it. My fear turned to dread and I started to come to terms with what lay ahead.
We got to the office to get the ultrasound. I was squeezed in so I had to wait until 3:30 before I was seen. I got into the room and put on the hospital gown. First the traditional ultrasound. As I watched the images on the screen on the wall come to life I hoped and strained to see a little bump bump bump of a heart beat. Nothing. I don't really know what I was looking at but I didn't see anything that resembled the dream that I was still clinging to. Then I had a transvaginal ultrasound. Still didn't know what I was looking, still searching for answers.
The tech left the room and said a radiologist was going to look at the pictures. She returned to let me know that Dr. Clayton was on the phone to speak to me. I got on the phone and the hum of the ultrasound room and the crappy phone that I was using made it nearly impossible to hear what he was saying. From what I gathered there didn't appear to be a pregnancy in my uterus. He was waiting for my blood tests results to come back to check my progesterone levels to see if they were in the pregnancy range. If they were high and they didn't see a baby in my uterus I had an ectopic pregnancy. If they were low, I was having a miscarriage.
I got home from everything that had happened, still bleeding, still in shock, and so very sad. Lost, confused, angry. Why was this happening? What had I done wrong? I finally believed that I was getting everything that I wanted in life, a family to call my own. Troy came home and for the first time through the entire experience I wept. I wept uncontrollably for a good 5-10 minutes and he just held me. I wasn't crying because I thought I would never become a mother. I was crying for the child that I had lost. My dreams seemed shattered. My heart broken. And the thought of having to explain to everyone what had happened to me after foolishly sharing the news with so many people so early in my pregnancy pained me even more. The anticipation of the sorrowful looks, the I'm sorrys, I'm here for you.
I think my mom was so confused by my lack of emotion through the whole process. I just wanted facts. Details. Options. The next step. The emotions didn't set in until much later. I even talked with Troy when he got home as if it were about another person, another sad person we knew as if it weren't us experiencing the pain.
On Saturday afternoon while sitting at home alone watching a mediocre movie I missed a call from the Dr. He left a voicemail informing me that my blood test results were in and that my progesterone levels were very low at 176. I was having a miscarriage which was as "positive result". Putting "positive" in my emotional disaster just didn't seem to fit. He was happy to know that I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy stuck somewhere in my fallopian tube or ovary. No risk of death. The positive I suppose. It was official, it was over.
Nothing can prepare you for the emotional and physical pain I have been through. Although I have come to terms with the fact that we have lost our child and that God has a bigger plan than I know or understand, my body didn't work as quickly as my mind. For the last two days I have been bleeding. This morning I think that most of it had passed and every trip to the bathroom is just the reminder of what was lost. When will it stop? When will I heal?
And the icing on the cake.... happy birthday to me.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
It's A.... Baby
For all the time that I spent worrying that I would never be able to concieve and start my own family, today totally changed my fate. At 7:30 am I took my first pregnancy test. Positive. Went to work and an hour later took another pregnacy test. Positive. Called my Dr. and made an appointment. Confirmed, pregnant. So my first born child is due on November 10, 2011.
I am going to be a mom... wow. I thought this day would never come.
I am going to be a mom... wow. I thought this day would never come.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Getting Prepared
So with the help of my Costco membered friend I purchased a gym membership at 24 Hour Fitness. Last night was my first night activating my membership and actually working out. Troy and Joe came with me with my "bring a friend for 7 days" pass. Today I am starting to feel my work out from last night. I did 1 mile on the Elliptical and 40 flights of stairs which took me 20 minutes on the old school Stair Master. I am hoping to stay motivated enough to go several times a week and to eat healthier.
On Monday Troy came to my work to meet with the financial advisor and me. Since he was here he went and got us lunch from Burger King and brought it back to us. I must admit that I felt ILL after eating it. After not eating fast food for nearly 3 weeks and then downing a steak burger thing and french fries I felt like crap. I am going to try to remind myself of how I felt each time going through a drive through sounds like a good idea.
My goal is to lose 30 lbs. I need to lose some weight before my next Dr.'s appointment or she is really going to yell at me. The closer Troy and I get to wanting to actively and more aggressively TTC the more important it is for me to lose the weight. I want to have a healthy pregnancy and with the extra weight I am already carrying getting pregnant now would only push me into the danger zone. Since I will probably already be a higher risk pregnancy than the average person I want to try to do as much preparation for my pregnancy and my baby as possible.
On Monday Troy came to my work to meet with the financial advisor and me. Since he was here he went and got us lunch from Burger King and brought it back to us. I must admit that I felt ILL after eating it. After not eating fast food for nearly 3 weeks and then downing a steak burger thing and french fries I felt like crap. I am going to try to remind myself of how I felt each time going through a drive through sounds like a good idea.
My goal is to lose 30 lbs. I need to lose some weight before my next Dr.'s appointment or she is really going to yell at me. The closer Troy and I get to wanting to actively and more aggressively TTC the more important it is for me to lose the weight. I want to have a healthy pregnancy and with the extra weight I am already carrying getting pregnant now would only push me into the danger zone. Since I will probably already be a higher risk pregnancy than the average person I want to try to do as much preparation for my pregnancy and my baby as possible.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
PCOS
Ever since my very first period I have never been regular. Most girls would find this a blessing when they don't get a period for 6 months at a time, but when you are trying to get a grasp on your own reproductive system it becomes quite frustrating and even discouraging.
At my last Dr.'s appointment in September I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome) in which my body's hormones are out of whack causing an egg not to be released on the normal 28 day cycle. This is what causes my lack of period. I have been taking a medication called Metformin to see if it will stabilize my system and get me back on track. This medication was designed to treat diabetics but I guess it was discovered that it can help PCOS victims as well.
One of the side effects of PCOS is excessive weight gain. After graduating high school, moving out, getting a desk job, and no longer dieting to fit into my perfect wedding dress for my perfect wedding day, it has been easy to put on the extra weight. Since weight gain is a side effect it is pretty obvious that one of the at home treatments of PCOS is to lose weight. Since it is the beginning of the year it is also a good time to reaffirm my goal to lose weight and get my health under control. I am feeling support from my family and co-workers since most of them are on their New Year Resolution highs. I am hoping to continue to stay focused and continue to stay motivated to get fit. This will not only help myself and my personal health but will hopefully get my gynecologically challenged body moving in the right direction.
For someone who only wanted to grow up and be a mom when she grew up it has been very difficult to face the reality that it is likely that getting pregnant will be a challenging adventure. As a little girl you are told that you grow up, get married, and because the two of you loved each other so much you make a baby. Unfortunately for me I may be looking at months or even years of testing, experimentation, and medication. I dreamed of the "it just happened" or even the "oops" baby. I could go with the ebb and flow of life but now with the complications looming we will have to be more prepared and intentional with our timing and our decisions. Which leads me to my biggest concern of all, will we ever be able to afford it? I have heard time and time again that if you wait until you can afford to have kids or wait until you are ready and prepared, you will never have kids. I look at the checkbook every month and am amazed at our ability to pay everything that we need to and still be able to stay afloat. I fear that adding a child into the current equation would not only be crazy but irresponsible. I want my future baby to have a good life. I want them to have every opportunity possible within their grasps. I don't want my financial situation to prevent him or her from being able to play soccer, take a dance class or go to college.
Will I ever be ready? Will I ever just get pregnant? Will I always be counting the days on the calendar? Will I ever be a mom?
Hopefully yes,
Melissa
At my last Dr.'s appointment in September I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome) in which my body's hormones are out of whack causing an egg not to be released on the normal 28 day cycle. This is what causes my lack of period. I have been taking a medication called Metformin to see if it will stabilize my system and get me back on track. This medication was designed to treat diabetics but I guess it was discovered that it can help PCOS victims as well.
One of the side effects of PCOS is excessive weight gain. After graduating high school, moving out, getting a desk job, and no longer dieting to fit into my perfect wedding dress for my perfect wedding day, it has been easy to put on the extra weight. Since weight gain is a side effect it is pretty obvious that one of the at home treatments of PCOS is to lose weight. Since it is the beginning of the year it is also a good time to reaffirm my goal to lose weight and get my health under control. I am feeling support from my family and co-workers since most of them are on their New Year Resolution highs. I am hoping to continue to stay focused and continue to stay motivated to get fit. This will not only help myself and my personal health but will hopefully get my gynecologically challenged body moving in the right direction.
For someone who only wanted to grow up and be a mom when she grew up it has been very difficult to face the reality that it is likely that getting pregnant will be a challenging adventure. As a little girl you are told that you grow up, get married, and because the two of you loved each other so much you make a baby. Unfortunately for me I may be looking at months or even years of testing, experimentation, and medication. I dreamed of the "it just happened" or even the "oops" baby. I could go with the ebb and flow of life but now with the complications looming we will have to be more prepared and intentional with our timing and our decisions. Which leads me to my biggest concern of all, will we ever be able to afford it? I have heard time and time again that if you wait until you can afford to have kids or wait until you are ready and prepared, you will never have kids. I look at the checkbook every month and am amazed at our ability to pay everything that we need to and still be able to stay afloat. I fear that adding a child into the current equation would not only be crazy but irresponsible. I want my future baby to have a good life. I want them to have every opportunity possible within their grasps. I don't want my financial situation to prevent him or her from being able to play soccer, take a dance class or go to college.
Will I ever be ready? Will I ever just get pregnant? Will I always be counting the days on the calendar? Will I ever be a mom?
Hopefully yes,
Melissa
Friday, October 22, 2010
Wedding Season is over... on to Holiday Season!
On Sept 4th Jared and Mallory finally tied the knot. They have been together for 7 years now and like us it was just time to do it! Their wedding was beautiful in the backyard of Mallory’s grandparents. At first glance I didn’t think it was going to be possible to fit all their guests into that backyard but it actually worked out quite nice. I had an assigned seat on the grooms side about mid way back and in the shade, thank goodness! It was like 100 degrees outside with all those people and no air flow. She was beautiful and everything went smoothly. They had a moment of silence for her all those who couldn’t be there with them that day and the tears streamed down Mallory’s face as her dad passed away several years ago. I know he was on her mind that day for sure as her step-father, Steve, walked her down the aisle.
The reception was outside and it got kind of chilly as the sun set but once the dancing got started we warmed right up. Troy and I brought flasks and with a little convincing got Cathleen to agree to pick up my car from the reception and come back to get us once the reception was over.
Towards the end of the night Troy requested Jared and my song and we danced to Good Riddance by Green Day. It was a good ending to the night.
Then on October 17th Cassandra and Andrew wed in Dana Point. The ceremony was beautiful and was officiated by her long time best friend from high school Tracy. It was short, sweet, and very personalize. Tracy did a great job. And praise God that it didn’t rain through the ceremony although there was a mist that was blowing on shore.
One of the most memorable parts of Cassandrew’s wedding was the faux-to-booth. It was so quite and it turned out great! Now I kind of wish I had done something like that for our reception.
The reception was outside and it got kind of chilly as the sun set but once the dancing got started we warmed right up. Troy and I brought flasks and with a little convincing got Cathleen to agree to pick up my car from the reception and come back to get us once the reception was over.
Towards the end of the night Troy requested Jared and my song and we danced to Good Riddance by Green Day. It was a good ending to the night.
Then on October 17th Cassandra and Andrew wed in Dana Point. The ceremony was beautiful and was officiated by her long time best friend from high school Tracy. It was short, sweet, and very personalize. Tracy did a great job. And praise God that it didn’t rain through the ceremony although there was a mist that was blowing on shore.
One of the most memorable parts of Cassandrew’s wedding was the faux-to-booth. It was so quite and it turned out great! Now I kind of wish I had done something like that for our reception.
Sisters and Me
Me and the hubby
I was nervous about being a good MOH but I think that I did a pretty good job. I tried to keep the Bride calm, make sure all the things got done that needed to be, and helped things flow. Then I did a MOH speech and I think it was pretty good. I always have to remember to slow down when talking because I become speed demon and no one can understand me.
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