Quick Update - POSITIVE!

So this morning I got my first actual positive OPK!! Now we have to BD a lot and hope for the best. Pregnancy test to be taken around August 10th.... the waiting kills me!!

Peeing in Mini Cups

This morning I got my first almost positive OPK so I think we are on the right track. For the last 9 days I have been only getting the one test line to appear. This morning the ovulation line started to barely show. It isn't darker than the test line so I know I am not ovulating but I think my body is responding well to the Clomid. Hopefully if timed right we will have a BFP HPT by the end of this month!

Daily Thoughts of Someone Suffering from IF

I saw an awesome video made by a fellow IF sufferer whose blog I stumbled upon...

http://vimeo.com/keikozoll/whatif

LOVED IT!

CD 9 - Last Clomid Day

So I have taken my last pill for this first cycle of Clomid and I keep thinking to myself... am I supposed to feel something? I thought I had a hot flash a while back but was probably all in my head and most definitely due to the temperature outside. So as I sit here I am pondering what I am exactly, if anything, supposed to feel. I haven't experienced any real symptoms: no blurry vision, mood swings out of normal, dizziness or hot flashes. So how do I know this stuff is working?

Also, peeing in a cup daily to insert little OPK sticks is definitely not my idea of fun either. I was told to do it daily through this entire cycle to track for next cycle if this one isn't successful. So here I find myself daily straddling the toilet aiming to get pee in this mini cup that comes with the cup... again not my idea of fun but totally worth it if this stuff is going to work!

Now that I have taken the last dose its time to wait, which of course is the hardest part! Hopefully between the Met and the Clomid my cycles will "normal" and I won't have to wait even longer to start the next cycle of IF meds.

Is this a heat wave....

or a hot flash? Ok, I don't know if it is all in my head because I am taking new medication or if there really is a heat wave. It is 8:30 at night and I am still sitting in my living room sweating. Ugh. I love summer and I will miss it when fall gets here but I can't wait for it to cool down!

First Cycle CD5

Today is the first day of taking Clomid for my first cycle. I am a little nervous about the possible side effects as most people have said that they have hot flashes and mood swings - both which I am not looking forward to.

Yesterday I took my Met and PN in the morning and when I went to Michaels with my mom I got extremely light headed and nearly passed out. I felt so nauseous so we walked over to Subway and got some water and a bag of chips. I felt fine after that. This is just a reminder of how important it is to stay hydrated with these meds. So today I have had 2 glasses of water and I will continue to drink water all day so that won't happen again!

To Fix or Not to Fix...

The last week has been torture. Dealing with cars is so not fun. In fact, I hate it. I see more and more of my Mom coming out in me as I get older. The stress has been killing me, I am not sleeping well, and generally just exhausted so what better way to forget your worries and cure the symptoms but to just sleep, which is exactly what my mom would do!

DH's truck needs some pretty expensive repairs and we were faced with the decision to fix or sell and buy something else. And boy what an emotional ride that has been! Fixing a truck that could potentially have more future expensive repairs is frightening but the thought of another car payment after adjusting to just one was even more frightening in our tight budget.

After cruising through car lots, searching Craigslist, and getting some parental guidance and advice it has been determined that we are going to fix the truck. DH loves it, we can't afford another car payment comfortably, and all in all the risk of a possible future breakdown is less than the definite car payment monthly for many years to come.

Buy a "new" used car initially seemed so much easier in the perfect world but after the hard work of crunching numbers it is just not worth it at this point. So we will fix DH's truck and hope that this will be the only big repair for long time allowing us to continue to have no car payment and a few more years of saving.

So basically I have been an emotional basket case and to top it off it was one of my co-worker's last day of work and I was so sad to say good bye. I will truly miss working with him!

Clomid

Great news! I went in for my Clomid check yesterday and the NP said I was all good to start taking Clomid. BTW the check was highly uncomfortable and bordering embarassing as you have to be checked on the first day of your menstral cycle - YUCK! Well she felt around, made sure I had no large cysts or clumps of follicles in my ovaries and got the ok. Picking up my prescription today and start taking the Clomid on CD 5-9. I am terrible at taking pills consistantly so I am putting reminders in my phone to make sure I take them exactly when I am supposed to.

I have to be a OPK and start testing to track when and if I ovulate so that if I do not get pregnant during this cycle, the next cycle of meds can be better targeted around my natural ovulation date.

Really excited, a bit worried, but so ready to get the process started. Clomid does increase risk of multiples by 10% for twins... and I have been having lots of dreams of having twins so maybe it is a sign. Either way I would love to just have 1 baby to hold and love. No need to get ahead of ourselves here.

And added bonus - Insurance covers the medication 100% so it is free! That is the way to start out on fertility treatments.

It Is Here!!!

I did not get a package in the mail or a new car... I got AF!

I have never been so excited to get AF in all of my life. Quick call to the Dr's office and I have an appointment this afternoon. Hopefully we are on our way to our new treatment plan, if my ovaries check out.

Unfortunately I am in pain and my stomach and back have terrible cramps. I will take them though if this is on our path to parenthood though!

Insensitivity To My Sensitivity

This past year has been an extremely difficult one for me and it has continued from the year I got married. Financially tight, emotionally drained, physical illness... the works. I think one of the hardest things to deal with though is people's insensitivity to my sensitivity. Some I think are clueless as to what they say and how they may affect people and other I think just don't care.

My husband and I have suffered through unemployment, where we nearly lost everything and was forced to move back to our parents, through miscarriage, where my emotional world and my physical world started to crumble, and just plain family drama turmoil. I don't have many close friends and I keep most people at a distance to keep from getting hurt but what struck me this past week is some of the closest people to me have been incredible insensitive to my sensitive situation.

I am not saying that everyone in my life has intentionally hurt me but intentional or not I have a lot of hurt and resentment that I have been unknowingly carrying around. When I lost my first pregnancy I felt like I was on "suicide watch"... not literally but everyone was watching me waiting for me to have an emotional outburst at any moment. I got comments like "You are still young, it will happen" or "there must have been a reason and the baby was not well" or "you can just keep trying. Now we know at least that you can get pregnant". Although they may find these comforting they are definitely not. Many didn't want to address my current hurt and pain but wanted me to look only at the future. I was in the trenches and they were already telling me to look on the horizon.

Family has asked when I am going to start a family saying things like hurry already because they can't wait to be an aunt, uncle, grandparent, cousin or whatever. Thank you for your support but we have been trying and we have lost two pregnancies. I have bled and cried so much in the last 4 months that my overwhelming guilt and pain can not be shared with you in this short "pep" talk conversation but thanks for telling me that you want a baby for me.

We are financially strained. My husband had a great job, got laid off, now has a crappy job. Sounds like most people's story these days and I am no different. So excuse me if I am less than happy to hear about your anniversary trip to Chicago, about your house remodel, your new house or house hunting,  or your new car you are going to purchase. I truly am trying to be happy for you and be a supportive friend but in the back of my mind all I am thinking about is how I am going to feed myself and when my next pay check is going to hit the bank so I can buy gas for my car.

Work is an especially sensitive subject. Love my job, hate my pay. Interview? Hate it. New insurance in the midst of my medical issues, daunting. About to get 3 weeks vacation, start over on the bottom of the totem pole? Start a new job, hopefully go on maternity leave quickly after new hire? So many unknown, so many questions, and some many people's opinion on the matter.

I don't want people to walk around on eggshells around me and deep down I want to be a good supportive friend. I would love for the bitterness and anger to leave but I am going through a very rough time right now. Sensitivity to my situation and maybe a little finesse in my conversations with you would be so appreciated.

Taco Salad

Last night Troy and I were not up for cooking at all but the idea of facing a fast food anything was daunting and made me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. We had ground turkey meat thawed so we need to use it and some lettuce that was going to go south pretty soon if not used. So I thought to make taco salad! Here was what was in it:

1 lb ground turkey
1 head of lettuce
1 can of kidney beans
salsa
shredded cheese
sour cream

Troy grilled up the turkey and seasoned it with all seasoning salt, threw it on top of a bed of lettuce, added heated kidney beans, cold salsa, cheese and sour cream. It was delicious and I didn't even add any dressing on it! The toppings were perfect! I would have liked Avocado on top as well but didn't have any of that on hand.

I have been reading so many blogs lately from other people who suffer from some kind of infertility or fertility problems and I am feeling relief. I am following this one blog who had a different kind of infertility as mine and paid over $100,00 before she conceived her twins. Then she tried to get pregnant again with the rest of her frozen eggs and conceived one baby that sadly miscarried. A few months later after giving up and being satisfied with their twin boy and girl... they got pregnant  by themselves with another set of twins! Boys! I couldn't believe it. She has funny antics about being infertile, life with 2 sets of twins, and being married and dealing with health issues. Although it is reassuring that it will happen for me too it is scary to think that it cost her $100,000, money which I do not have the luxury of spending on IVF. But alas, there is hope.

I am also hoping that I am PMS'ing right now. This may sound strange but I have had the most terrible mood swings and if looks could kill Troy would have been dead three days ago. Mood swings, anger, and emotional outbursts of anger and tears for really no great reason. "Troy, you left the light on in the kitchen! How could you do this? You know this costs money, which we don't have. You want to see the electricity bill? Do you ever listen to me?!".... seriously... over turning off the light. I am also hoping to be PMS'ing so I can have a period and start my treatment plan. Patience is the hardest thing to have.

Gourmet Breakfast Cooking

About 90% of the time I skip breakfast both during the week and on the weekend. So since I am trying to focus on my health, save money, and cook at home I decided to try a breakfast dish. I kind of feel like Julia from the Julia and Julia movie posting all about the recipes I am trying. So when I headed to the kitchen this fabuulous 4th of July holiday and started creating this new dish of Baked Chile Rellano Eggs I realized that I don't have any flour. Now, most would laugh at this but seriously people... who uses flour? Want to bake a cake? Buy a pre-made box! So I made it omitting the 1 TB of flour so we will see how it turns out. Anyways, here it goes...

Baked Chile Rellano Eggs

2 - 4oz cans whole green chiles

2 cups granted Monterey Jack cheese

6 eggs

1 TB flour

2 cups milk

1/8 tsp chili power

1 1/2 TB butter

1. Preheart the oven to 325 degrees. Lightly butter baking dish.

2. Slit each chile down one side and file loosley with grated cheese, using one cup cheese for all the chiles. Lay filled chiles in a lightly buttered baking dish.

Stuffed chiles

 3. In a separate bowl, beat eggs and flour. Str in milk and chili powder. Fold in the remaining cheese.

4. Pour egg mixture over chiles. Bake for 45 minutes to 1 hour, until top is bubbly and a knife insured near center comes out clean.

Egg dish before cooking in the oven

Glycemic index/load: low 2

Calories: 282

Protein: 18 grams

Carbs: 5 grams

Fat: 21 grams

Tip: to make it lower fat, use low-fat cheese, 2 percent milk, and substitute olive oil for butter, and 3 eggs and 5 egg whites for the six eggs. Results: 218 calories

Summer Cooking

I bought Kielbasa on sale because... well it was on sale so I had to go hunting for a recipe to cook it that didn't include potatoes. So I started my hunting on allrecipes.com and came across this great recipe!!

Kielbasa and Cabbage

6 slices bacon
1/2 cup water
1 onion, chopped
2 teaspoons minced garlic
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
1/4 teaspoon seasoning salt
1 large head cabbage, cut into small wedges
1 pound Polish kielbasa

1. In a large skillet, fry bacon over medium high heat until browned. Remove bacon from pan, reserving drippings, and place bacon on paper towels.

2. Stir water, sugar, onions, garlic, red pepper flakes, and seasoned salt into drippings. Add cabbage, and gently stir. Cover, and cook over medium heat for 10 to 15 minutes.

3. Add kielbasa to the pan. Cook, covered, for an additional 10 to 15 minutes. Crumble bacon over top, and serve hot.

Dinner was Delicious!

So tonight we had a BBQ. We had Blue Cheese Burgers (mine minus the blue cheese, add sliced cheese), baked beans, and BBQ corn on the cob. It was so delicious! I skipped the beans and had 2 corn on the cobs. We buttered them, sprinkled some garlic salt on them, roll them in alluminum foil and put on the BBQ for about 20 minutes. So good!!

So here is my favorite GI recipe so far:

Blue Cheese Burgers

1 lb very lean ground beef or ground turkey
¼ cup finely chopped onion
1 celery, thinly chopped
½ tsp. dried oregano
1 tsp. Dijon mustard
¼ cup crumbled blue cheese or fav cheese

1. Preheat the broiler on high or prepare BBQ

2. Mix ground beef, onion, celery, Dijon mustard, oregano, salt and pepper in large bowl. Use hands to mix together thoroughly.

3. Divide mixture into 8 equal portions. Place 4 on a cutting board and flatten each.

4. Place crumbled blue cheese in the center of the 4 flattened patties.

5. Flatten remaining 4 potions and place on top of blue cheese patties. Mold together, enclosing crumbled blue cheese, and shape into 4 burgers.

6. Broil for 10 minutes or until cooked, turning once or BBQ

Serve on a lettuce leaf with tomato and dill pickle.
Replace the bun with a salad, red and green pepper rings, or baked sweet potato sticks.

Glycemic Index: very low
Glycemic Load: 0
Calories: 242
Protein: 34 grams
Carbs: 4 grams
Fat: 10 grams

Trying New Recipes

Ever since being told that I possibly could have PCOS I have been doing a ton of research online, reading books, and just getting myself educated on the condition. One of the biggest thing that everyone pushes is the diet. So I bought Glycemic Index Cookbooks and have been trying some of the recipes out.

I tried faux-potatoes because sadly I am not allowed to eat white potatoes any more (including french fries... I could die!) so I tried making the cauliflower potatoes. What a joke that was. They were not smooth enough and we added way too much fresh diced garlic and they tasted nasty. Scratch those off my list. We also tried Chicken Verde which was really good. All it needed was some tortillas... also which I can not have. Either way I would make it again and it is pretty simple to make.

Chicken Verde

1/2 cup cilantro
3 cups chopped onions
1 tsp. minced garlic
1 (10 oz) can tomatillas
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
2 TB. butter
2.5 Lbs diced chicken

1. Combine cilantro, onions, garlic, tomatillas (drained, set aside juice), salt and pepper in a food processor fitted with a chopping blade. Process until smooth. Add reserved tomatilla liquid and process until well blended.

2. In a large skillet over medium heat, heat butter and brown chicken pieces. Pour the cilantro sauce over chick and simmer, covered, about 1 hour, or until chicken is tender.

Glycemic Index/Load: low 1
Calories: 249
Protein 38 grams
Carbs: 4 grams
Fat: 9 grams

And the diagnosis is...

It's official. Today I found out, based on my blood panel and glucose test results, that I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. I have been operating under the assumption that that is exactly what I had but now it has been confirmed. After a year of trying naturally, a year and a half of trying with Metformin and now an official diagnosis from my new OB doc, I am happy to finally have some answers and a plan.

Don't get me wrong, I am not excited about the diagnosis. I have already grieved for the loss of an "oops" or "it just happened" pregnancy but I am excited to be on a path to hopeful success in expanding my family. Dr. Weatherford seems to be the perfect match for us and our pregnancy journey. I met him for the first time on June 21st when Troy and I went in for our first consult. He seemed knowledgeable, listened to my input and concerns and gave great feed back. I didn't feel rushed and I felt understood considering he delivered the news about my first two pregnancies over the phone to me without even meeting me first. He took me in as an "established" patient to be able to send me to get labs to find out what was going on with me.

So the plan is to get my period, up my Metformin meds to 2x a day instead of only once, and get on Clomid. This will help me with ovulation and getting pregnant. I have read a ton blogs about other women's experiences and I know that this isn't a quick fix. I am sure I have many heart breaks and disappointment in my future but for now I am just excited to know what path I am on.

I know for sure that I am not excited about the monthly exams I am going to have... but I am hopeful that it will be all worth it!