Insensitivity To My Sensitivity

This past year has been an extremely difficult one for me and it has continued from the year I got married. Financially tight, emotionally drained, physical illness... the works. I think one of the hardest things to deal with though is people's insensitivity to my sensitivity. Some I think are clueless as to what they say and how they may affect people and other I think just don't care.

My husband and I have suffered through unemployment, where we nearly lost everything and was forced to move back to our parents, through miscarriage, where my emotional world and my physical world started to crumble, and just plain family drama turmoil. I don't have many close friends and I keep most people at a distance to keep from getting hurt but what struck me this past week is some of the closest people to me have been incredible insensitive to my sensitive situation.

I am not saying that everyone in my life has intentionally hurt me but intentional or not I have a lot of hurt and resentment that I have been unknowingly carrying around. When I lost my first pregnancy I felt like I was on "suicide watch"... not literally but everyone was watching me waiting for me to have an emotional outburst at any moment. I got comments like "You are still young, it will happen" or "there must have been a reason and the baby was not well" or "you can just keep trying. Now we know at least that you can get pregnant". Although they may find these comforting they are definitely not. Many didn't want to address my current hurt and pain but wanted me to look only at the future. I was in the trenches and they were already telling me to look on the horizon.

Family has asked when I am going to start a family saying things like hurry already because they can't wait to be an aunt, uncle, grandparent, cousin or whatever. Thank you for your support but we have been trying and we have lost two pregnancies. I have bled and cried so much in the last 4 months that my overwhelming guilt and pain can not be shared with you in this short "pep" talk conversation but thanks for telling me that you want a baby for me.

We are financially strained. My husband had a great job, got laid off, now has a crappy job. Sounds like most people's story these days and I am no different. So excuse me if I am less than happy to hear about your anniversary trip to Chicago, about your house remodel, your new house or house hunting,  or your new car you are going to purchase. I truly am trying to be happy for you and be a supportive friend but in the back of my mind all I am thinking about is how I am going to feed myself and when my next pay check is going to hit the bank so I can buy gas for my car.

Work is an especially sensitive subject. Love my job, hate my pay. Interview? Hate it. New insurance in the midst of my medical issues, daunting. About to get 3 weeks vacation, start over on the bottom of the totem pole? Start a new job, hopefully go on maternity leave quickly after new hire? So many unknown, so many questions, and some many people's opinion on the matter.

I don't want people to walk around on eggshells around me and deep down I want to be a good supportive friend. I would love for the bitterness and anger to leave but I am going through a very rough time right now. Sensitivity to my situation and maybe a little finesse in my conversations with you would be so appreciated.