+OPK

We got a positive OPK this morning! Praying so hard that this is the month that we get pregnant and stay pregnant.  These two verses have been getting me through:

Isaiah 55
8“ My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

Proverbs 1
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

I am trying my hardest to have faith and ride the emotional disappointment rollercoaster with the knowledge that there is a bigger plan that I can not see and may not understand and lean on God to get me through these confusing times.

Ta-ta Facebook!

It's official. My hatred of facebook has grown exponentially over the last few weeks and today I deactivated my account. Looking back I created my facebook account to connect with my cousins in Kansas who were ripped from our home 6 years ago. Ironically it was one of my Kansas cousins who put me over the edge and helped me make my final decision to close the facebook chapter of my life.

My cousin, who just turned 18 a few days ago, just announced on facebook that she is pregnant with her 2nd child. Oh yes, #2 and she just turned 18. She had her daughter at 16 while still in high school and then quickly dropped out of school. I am so sad to see her life turn out like this and repeat so many of her father's mistakes. Every child is a blessing from God. I hope she takes those sweet lives and helps make them into beautiful, wonderful people in this crazy world.

With wanting a child of our own so badly and seeing so many pregnancy announcements, sonogram photos and "my baby is the size of a small fruit" posts put me over the edge.

Good bye facebook. I will not miss you.

Sonogram Results

So I had my pelvic sonogram yesterday and my DH came with me to the appointment. The tech was friendly and even told us what we were looking at. Uterus, ovaries, a big blob of black and grey on a screen.

Oh yes... this is what they did to me... oh the joys of modern technology!

This morning I got my lab results and the Dr. said that everything looks normal which is great but what my scans shows are not consistent with PCOS.... So good news my pipes are in working order however, if it is not PCOS what the heck is wrong with me? Well, if I do not get a + pregnancy test this month (praying that Clomid worked this round) then we will have to do further blood work to see why I am insulin resistant and have elevated testosterone levels.

So I feel kind of like I am back at square one. I know what I do not have but what do I have? The perk to possibly being inaccurately diagnosed with PCOS is that I was put on Metformin and for the last 2 months I have had 30 day cycles and even though the few before that were a bit irregular they were heading in the right direction.

This is going to be a good month. DH got a promotion and small raise, I got a bonus, and things are sort of starting to look up for us. This is a great month for making a baby. Baby dancing? Yes please.

These Crazy Pills

These pills are making me crazy. Two days ago I had the biggest hot flash of my life. I already feel sorry for myself since it was a premonition of what my future holds when I am old and menopausal. Not only do I have hot flashes but the pills also have a side effect of mood swings. What a bonus. As understanding as my husband is about the whole process it is still difficult not to get into spats over nothing which can escalate into fights over nothing.

Feeling sorry for myself today. Why can't a woman who wants a child so desperately have such a hard time to conceive when ignorant women who have no interest have no trouble at all. My mom was right... life just isn't fair.

Horrah!

Husband got a promotion and a raise! So proud of him. I kept telling him that his honesty and hard work would eventually be recognized and that it would pay off!

So proud of my baby!

Clomid Round #2

Went to the OB yesterday for my Clomid check and "everything looks good" so I started my second round of Clomid last night. I am hopeful this is the time that it works. I mean really, why do people do can not care for babies, who do not want babies, and people who definitely should not have babies just have an oppsie pregnancy but my journey is so technical, all about timing, peeing in cups, and scientific? We are definitely not having a love child.

Now that we had one unsuccessful round of Clomid I was also given an order to get a pelvic ultrasound. Oh yay for me. I made the appt on a Monday so Troy could go with me. Last time I had one of these done it was when I was experiencing my first M/C and my mom had gone with me. I want to make him part of every step of this process if possible. And the doctor also gave me the direction to contact my PCP and have Troy get checked out too - just to be on the safe side. He isn't jumping for joy about the experience but I am sure glad I am not going to be the only one being poked at by strange doctors.

My doctor told me that he wanted to keep me at 50mg of Clomid for this cycle because Clomid, as a side effect, can cause the uterus to become hostile and harm the chances of conceiving. Seriously?! So I am taking this thing to ovulate but might prevent conception? Oh boy. So I heard about a lubricant called Pre-Seed which is supposed to be fertility friendly for women trying to conceive. Has anyone used it before? Is it worth the hype or just a selling gimmick? Thank you Amazon! I will be ordering you today and trying you out myself!

Sex In The City

Do friends like the characters in Sex In The City really exist? Through thick and thin, can talk about anything, there no matter what? The conversations that they have are incredibly personal and they cheer through the good times and cry with each other in the bad times.

Doing life together...

What got me thinking about this was the movie The Help. Troy and I saw it last night and it was such a good movie. It was touching, humbling, and in parts hilarious! It is incredible to think that those times actually existed and that those people were really treated like property. My train of thinking started with the most hilarious scene in The Help, which I will not ruin, but has to do with poop. And then from poop I was thinking about the Sex in the City movie when Charlotte shit herself in Mexico. Super weird train of thought but that is how I got to close relationships.

I am really only close with my husband, my oldest little sister and maybe my God-sister. I do not have a group of friends that gather just to do lunch and catch up and do life together. So much of the time I really feel alone in my battles and celebrations with the exception of my husband.

I am envious of groups of girls that do everything together. I used to have a core group of friends in high school but after graduation I just let those relationships slip away. We went to different colleges, I got a full time job, and I didn’t put forth the effort necessary to keep strong relationships. Some of this has to do with the fact that I immediately moved in with my boyfriend, who is now my husband, and my time was split between work, school and my BF. Any extra time, and lets face it - there wasn’t much, was devoted to the few friends I still had.



Yard Sale on Saturday



The summer of 2005 changed my life. My God-sister was pregnant with Vincent and I spent all of my time with her. Troy and I were on the outs and I spent every day and night with her. I was her Lamaze partner, her confidant, and her right hand to help her take care of her 2 step children and her loser boyfriend. I had independence, time, and motivation to be a good friend. I spent a good amount of time with her friends, much of them who I did not like, except for one. We kind of became a family unit. I think that was the closest thing I got to Sex In The City status, except there were boys in my group. Her friendship means the world to me and then she honored me as becoming her son Vincent’s God-mother. I planned her baby shower, went baby supply shopping, helped set up the nursery, and was there to hold her hand every step of the way. I was there when Vincent was born and I have been there through his entire life as he has grown up. He will be 6 on Sept. 14th. I can’t believe how big he is.



On our way to get breakfast!

Amy was the person I called when my SIL announced on Mother’s Day that she was pregnant with her 3rd. I held the phone and cried. She listened and encouraged me. I wept and she just listened. Don’t get me wrong, I was so happy for my SIL and for our family to grow but so deeply sad as I had already had 1 m/c and was still so disappointed with this. The pain was still very fresh. Unfortunately she lost the baby. The point is, Amy was just there. I didn’t have to act strong. I was just myself. Disappointed and discouraged. She will never know how much that means to me.

Do you have friendships that are deeply rooted? Can you call them at any time of the day or night just to talk or to hear that everything is going to be alright? Do you have someone to celebrate with, reflect with, and bitch about your husband to? Are you truly yourself around these people with no façade to emit what you think people expect of you? Authentically yourself? I may not have a whole group of ladies but I do have my sister and Amy. Thank you God for these girls in my life.

Scrapbooking Day

April 2006

Today I only got a few pages done but the experience was totally fun! The PHC Ladies set up a Scrap-a-thon day at the store Once Upon A Memory in Huntington Beach. It was so fun! You just bring your photos and whatever supplies and tools you have and you get to use their scrap room. Don't have the right paper... no problem! Walk out into the store and grab it and add it to your tab. Darn... ran out of glue runner... no problem! Run out into the store and add it to your tab!

The way I keep myself organized is through a filing system. I have a file folder for each month of the year and that is where I dump all of my memorabilia (ticket stubs, room keys, airline tickets, etc.) but I don't print the photos I want to scrap with them until I am to that part of the year.

So today I ran out of photos that I had already printed but I did get 8 pages done, although it took me 7 hours. I did a lot of meandering through the store for ideas, inspiration, and to take note for the future pages I would be doing. We grabbed Jack-In-The-Box for lunch and chatted while scrapping. It was bliss. It just reminds me that I need to get the rest of my scrap crap room set up and invite my bestie over to get down and do some pages.

At a certain point you just want to get the dang things in an album so you can catch up and move on. So many people are doing only digital books these days with the ease of Shutterfly and Kodak Gallery but to me you just lose something without the ability to attach ticket stubs and fun other collectables along the way. One blogger I stalk creates a digital book for each of her kids each year of their lives. Super cute idea, except I am hoping to do that for my kids with actual scrapbooks.

I re-created by God-son's book, spruced up some of the old pages, replaced the actual book and started to work on his book again. He is going to turn 6 in September and he is only about 6 months in his book. I gotta get those pics printed!!

Welcome To The Party AF

It's finally here. On the positive side it was a 30 day cycle. Probably the most regular cycle I have had in years and I ovulated on time this month. My body responded well to the meds! On the not so positive side... another BFN.

Calling to the doctor this morning to schedule my next Clomid check and on to another cycle. Five left before we have to consider other options.

It is all in God's hands. I am reminded daily to pray for guidance, acceptance, understanding and to keep disappointment and vengeance out of my heart. Timing is everything, right?

Thanks again PCOS!

Last night my little family, my hubby and fur child and I, went for a nice walk around the bluffs.

It was nice to get the blood flowing and get some fresh air. Troy and I have been obsessed with Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. We have at least 15 episodes recorded on our DVR at all times and the moment we sit down to relax until we are ready to get to bed we have been glued to SVU. So last night we peeled ourselves off the couch and went for a walk.

Also in my defense, I will be starting the Fall Semester in less than 3 weeks so I am getting as much lazy time in as I can. This semester I am taking a pretty full load. I just can’t wait to get my AA degree and Paralegal Certificate to start a new chapter in my life - whether that be just a new career or a new career and transfer to a university to begin working on a BA degree. So many decisions and I am hoping that by the time I get to make the decision I will have one more factor to consider… pitter patter of 2 new feet in our family. I can only hope.

 

Since one of my co-workers has been pursuing her new passion for photography I have been frequenting blogs and etsy.com to get inspiration for some family photos that she is going to take for us and my BIL's family. Of couse that quickly turned into maternity photo shoot props and inspiration and I probably looked at other pregnant ladies pictures for more than an hour last night.

 

So here are some of my favorite props and belly photos:

 

 

http://www.etsy.com/listing/79393567/fun-and-unique-belly-bump-pregnancy?ref=v1_other_1

http://www.etsy.com/listing/77764150/belly-bow-maternity-photo-prop

One day I will have my own maternity shoot... No thanks to AF by the way. Still hasn't arrived (supposed to arrive today) and the pregnancy test I took last night still said negative. Thanks body for getting my hopes up and still not working the way you should.

Oh Facebook, How I Hate Thee

I love my friends. I love my family. I love the blessings in life and I love celebrating with others. I hate Facebook.

I hate feeling sorry for myself and then further torture myself by Facebook stalking only to find out another high school friend just _______ fill in the blank... found she was pregnant, bought a house/house hunting, got a new dog, just got married, inherited major cash, went on a European vacation, etc.  Oh why oh why do I do this to myself? I am so stupid.

Also, I do not care what you had to eat for lunch, that you are now off work after a long day, that you are having morning sickness, the stresses of your house remodel, the misery from recovering from a 2 week vacation, or about your big toe which is now twitching.

Oh Facebook, how I hate thee.

PS - Congrats to my friend Celia who gave birth to her daughter Brooke yesterday all natural! She labored at home until 8 cm with her doula, then went to the hospital and with 3 hours of pushing, pushed out a 9 lb baby with no meds (not even an IV). She is doing the all natural this time around... cloth diapers, glass bottles... the whole 9 yards!

Just Got A Feeling of a BFN

I just got a feeling... I am not sure if it is because my hope feels totally and completely drained at the moment or if its just something in the air. I kept convincing myself that this wasn't as big of an emotional rollercoaster that it could be and that this process isn't that bad but reality it is exactly that bad! Just when I think I am doing ok some pregnant lady will walk by or I go on the dreaded Facebook and hear about some new great announcement in some else's life and then I go on a dip on the roller coaster.

So AF is supposed to arrive on 8/10 if I had a "normal" cycle but we all know there is nothing "normal" about my reproductive system. So I took a pregnancy test this morning since the EPTs claim to detect HCG levels up to 6 days prior to your expected and not to my surprise it was a BFN. So, in short I just have a feeling. Of course I will definitely test again on 8/10 and if AF still hasn't arrived I will try every day until AF arrives... thanks to Amazon and cheap pregnancy test strips!!

Going To The Home Land

It is official! Purchased the tickets for the Oct. 31st Chiefs v. Chargers game in Kansas City, Mo.  I am so excited for this trip! We are staying longer than 2 days like our typical turn around trips. We are flying on Saturday morning and not coming home until Tuesday. I have been Google'ing and researching all the things I want to do and see while we are there.

I definately want to go to a real pumpkin patch. Since we are going to be out of town for halloween we have to celebrate it there. I can't wait for a traditional hay ride, although I heard they are extremely uncomfortable and a better idea than actuality. I got some brochures on different farms and am so excited to go pick a pumpkin and go through the corn maze!

Kansas City is also the city of fountains so I think we are going to do a walking tour of parts of the city to see all the different kinds of fountians.

We are also going to go to a tour of a hometown brewery, tour the Harley Davidson factory, and hopefully take a tour of the Arrowhead Stadium on a non-game day. We are so excited for this vacation. This will be our first real vacation since our honeymoon. We are calling this our anniversary trip.

I am excited to be out there and be able to go into a Wal-mart or Target an actually buy Chiefs gear. Living in California makes it difficult to get anything and usually have to resort in buying over the internet. This typically isn't such a bad thing unless you want to try something on! We are definately going to get our annual Christmas ornament while we are in KC as well.

The countdown begins! 87 days until we depart!!

Watching The Clock...

I feel like that is all I do these days... I watch the clock at work waiting for the time to go home. I watch the clock at night when I toss and turn all night, hoping I don't sleep through my alarm and am late for work. Watching the clock and doing the countdown to get my degree and finish school. Watching my biological clock since this conception process is taking way longer than expected.

And the worst wait of all... the time between periods when you are dying to take a pregnancy test to see if your efforts paid off but instead you just wait and count the days!